All we do is talk talk talk.

It is true - all we do, all day long is talk with one another. And talking all day long is not only a necessity, it is the vehicle by which we get things done. Every organization is a network of conversations. We use conversations to coordinate action, give and get feedback, clarify requests, etc. Without conversations, we wouldn't be in business.

And let's not limit our view of conversations to just talk. We have conversations through e-mail, text messaging, pictures, chance hallway meetings, and myriad other venues. Even non-conversation communicates something. Several research studies claim that 80% of communication is non-verbal.

Think about the network of conversations--from the end user (customer) to the top person at an organization. Speaking and listening is not trivial, and we owe it to ourselves to pay close attention to the quality of our conversations. As leaders, it is our responsibility to ensure that our message is received, understood, and that the receiver has a predisposition to do something that may include listening, taking our message to others, or simply responding to us.

If all we do is talk, and since all we are is a network of conversations, we owe it to ourselves to pay attention to our words, our intentions, and our expected outcomes. Without such attention we may (and probably often already get) some unintended consequences that are costly.

If you want to learn more about how to be more skillful in workplace conversation, email me: Micki@BlueMesaGroup.com.

Just Tell Me What Time It Is...

Blue Mesa Group's co-founder and Consulting Practice Leader, Patricia Barlow, shares this week's post with us. Both a coach and a consultant, Pat is a former Vice President at Citigroup's global headquarters and she's served in the top global HR leadership roles at Merck and Co., Inc. before her retirement in 2006. Learn more about Pat Barlow here.


“What time is it, Linda?”

“Oh, before I tell you the time, let me show this new watch I got for my birthday. I had a great day, and got many presents and this watch was one of my favorites. I also liked the new dress I got. My sister knew exactly what color and style I would like. Actually, the watch matches my dress perfectly. And, this watch was made in Switzerland. And you know what great watchmakers they are, such precision.”

“Arghhhhh," I say in my head, "I just wanted to know the time.”

Why are people compelled to either tell you everything there is to know about their topic at hand or wander off topic when answering a question? I’m not sure, but I would guess that it is rooted in insecurity. Maybe they feel it is important to demonstrate how much they know about something, assuming that you want to hear it. Or, is it a lack of self-discipline?

It is a crucial shortcoming on the leadership development journey. Individual contributors forget that their topic isn’t the only one that the people around them are interested in or have the capacity to capture.

In business, people who figure out how to be succinct are highly valued. It is the succinct communicators that we all, as leaders, count on and seek out. They are able to articulate key points and, at the same time, are prepared to provide more detail if asked.

We have asked people who have this bad communications habit why they do it. The most frequent answer is, “My boss needs to be well versed in my functional area. My boss needs to listen deeply and learn all there is to know about my area. She might not handle it well with her boss if she doesn’t know as much as I know about my area.” Really? Think again. You are probably selling your boss short, and in the end, your lack of self-awareness could thwart your career advancement.

The ability to synthesize information is a skill that is highly valued and worth developing. As coaches, we can help you recognize your unproductive habits and encourage you learn to become an effective communicator.

And, if a colleague asks you what time it is…

KISS It: Make Yourself Heard

This post is authored by Laurie Zeligson, Blue Mesa Group Coach and Consultant. Laurie has spent 25 years helping businesses and their employees do the right thing. An experienced employment law attorney and human resources professional based out of our offices in New York, NY, Laurie consults on all types of workplace issues ranging from discrimination and harassment to ethics, compliance programs and policy development. Read her full bio, here.

When was the last time you received a legal document—a contract, mortgage, credit card agreement—and felt completely confident and at ease when you started to read it?

And the last time you read a legal document and felt completely overwhelmed?

I’m a lawyer, and I often find myself asking, Who wrote this? And why are they making it so difficult to understand? Or worse yet, what are they trying to hide? What rights are they asking me to give up? 

“Legalese” can be tedious at best and frustrating at its worst, so why communicate in a form that many people dread? It can be that some of the language tracks language in statutes and regulations: it’s easier to follow that form rather than create new language. Sometimes, the language is written by lawyers for other lawyers (even though you as the client will see it), so it may be comfortable to use language familiar to “the trade.” In many cases, though, the writer—whether she’s a lawyer or not—is probably not thinking about the needs of her audience.

When we think about it, legal communications are just like other forms of communication and should focus on style as much as content. How we communicate with others—at work, at home, in the world at large—affects how we are perceived and how our message is received. Sometimes style—be it legal, verbose, dense, heady, whatever—takes away from our purpose and desire to be understood.

We can all be better communicators by adopting the KISS method, or “Keep It Simple, Stupid.” That doesn’t mean that we “dumb down” our messages. To the contrary, we want to be respectful in our communications. It’s just when we communicate clearly and concisely, we have a better chance of getting our point across. We have a better chance of creating a closer connection with our audience, rather than creating distance. Our audience—our family, co-workers, colleagues, clients, customers, friends—will be less likely to think that we are trying to gain the upper hand or, worse, to mislead.

In the coaching context, we find that poor communications skills are at the core of most relationship breakdowns. Fear of engaging in honest, healthy dialogue, with poor or no feedback, can lead to a loss of productivity and take away from leadership abilities. When we coach managers, we try to get to the heart of the matter. We ask our clients: what are the areas that are holding them back? Where do they see an opportunity to grow, develop, or change? Many people will admit that one distinct area is in their communication with others.

KISS It Tips
Ask yourself…

• What is it that I want to communicate? 
• To whom do I want to communicate? 
• What is it that I need my audience to understand? 
• How can I do it in a way that is respectful and easy to understand? 
• Will it create the dialogue that I am hoping for? 

The challenge for all of us—lawyers, leaders, family members, co-workers—is to focus on the KISS method: can we keep it simple? Can we manage our staff, communicate with our boards, and talk to our kids clearly and concisely? Do we feel understood? Or do we feel like our style of communication is more like the legal communications we fear?

Engage in Conflict to Transform Relationships (Part 3 of 3)

This post is authored by Sue Taigman, Blue Mesa Group Coach and Consultant. It is the final post in a three-part series on workplace conflict and transformative mediation. Click here to read the first post and here to read the second post.

For more than 20 years, Sue has served as an executive coach, consultant, facilitative manager and mediator for people and organizations that aspire to be best in class. As a member of the Blue Mesa Group, Sue’s results-driven approach to coaching and consulting manifests in focused leadership, career fulfillment, effective communication and conscious business practices. Click here to read her full bio.

Standard vs. Transformative Mediation 
In standard, non-transformative mediations focused on solving the problem at hand, you’ll see the mediator or leader take ownership of the process: he’ll try to bring the parties to resolution by identifying issues, understanding underlying interests, brainstorming possible solutions, evaluating those solutions, and helping parties to see that solving the conflict is likely preferable to other alternatives, such as letting an external authority decide the issue.

In contrast, a transformative mediator will say the entire mediation process, including all decisions, is entirely up to the people involved. A transformative mediator will reflect what she’s hearing, acknowledge common ground, strongly highlight differences, summarize, and ask lots of questions. All of these techniques focus on recognizing and empowering participants.

So, does transformative conflict resolution really work? 
Yes. As a transformative mediator for the United States Postal Service, my settlement rate is 100%. Most of the disputes involve a subordinate and a supervisor who perceive a situation from different viewpoints, a common dynamic in conflict. So, when a transformative mediator or other leader can elevate the focus from the transactional problem into transforming the interaction between people, the space is created where understanding and re-connection can emerge.

This approach goes a long way. When people feel heard and see their choices, they can recognize the perspectives of the other person(s) in the conflict. This empowerment and openness enables the problem at hand to be resolved with far less turmoil. Anger dissipates. Blaming of the other shifts to embracing personal responsibility. Trust begins to be rebuilt. Mediation participants gain an understanding of themselves and each other, and that understanding provides a strong platform for enhanced future interactions. So, the value of transformative conflict resolution is really tenfold.

Engage in Conflict to Transform Relationships (Part 2 of 3)

This post is authored by Sue Taigman, Blue Mesa Group Coach and Consultant. It is the second in a three-part series on workplace conflict and transformative mediation. Click here to read last week's post.

For more than 20 years, Sue has served as an executive coach, consultant, facilitative manager and mediator for people and organizations that aspire to be best in class. As a member of the Blue Mesa Group, Sue’s results-driven approach to coaching and consulting manifests in focused leadership, career fulfillment, effective communication and conscious business practices. Click here to read her full bio.

How can you empower yourself and others during times of conflict?

In order to embrace conflict so that it transform relationships, people must not feel diminished or defensive--they must feel empowered. Empowerment is always the precursor to recognizing other perspectives and considering new possible solutions. Once people feel empowered, they will make choices and see perspectives that are right for them in the situation. So how can you help people feel empowered?

In times of conflict, try to embody the following qualities and steps:

1. Awareness - Focus on the following outcomes to create a sense of empowerment:

• Ensure the person feels like they are being heard.
• Help them gain a sense of self-responsibility.
• Help them recognize that conflict happens.
• Support them in seeing the choices available to them.

2. Compassion - Listen carefully and show you care, creating a space for people to express themselves. 
3. Confirmation - Use your skills of reflection and summarizing to confirm what people are trying to express.

• Follow the heat – don’t try to minimize the conflict!
• Common phrases would be, "What you seem to be saying is..." or "You're feeling...".

4. Inquiry - Ask great questions.

• Why is that important to you? 
• What else might the other’s person’s behavior mean? 
• Who do you want to be in the face of this challenge?
• What choices do you have?
• What will help you do that?
• What if you don’t do anything?

Next week, in the final post about conflict, we’ll take a look at how and why transformative mediation works better than standard mediation. If you missed last week's post, the first in this three-part series, click here.

Engage in Conflict to Transform Relationships (Part 1 of 3)

This post is authored by Sue Taigman, Blue Mesa Group Coach and Consultant. It is the first in a three-part series on workplace conflict and transformative mediation.

For more than 20 years, Sue has served as an executive coach, consultant, facilitative manager and mediator for people and organizations that aspire to be best in class. As a member of the Blue Mesa Group, Sue’s results-driven approach to coaching and consulting manifests in focused leadership, career fulfillment, effective communication and conscious business practices. Click here to read her full bio.

Why Can’t We Just Make “It” Go Away?

Conflict can be difficult. When you have an incompatibility between two or more opinions, principles or interests, and when people are rooted in their own perspectives, the path to resolution is often negative and destructive. Everyone involved feels discomfort. And those who muster the courage to address the problem often have a short-term view: they just want the conflict to go away. But when you take the long-view, the interactions along the path to resolution, become the focus of any intervention. Instead of simply trying to resolve the conflict, the objective becomes strengthening the people involved and creating positive and constructive interactions.

In The Promise of Mediation, Robert Baruch Bush and Joseph Folger explain how conflict generates a sense of weakness and self-absorption, each feeling reinforcing the other in a vicious cycle that can escalate conflict. For example, when people describe their fears, anger or confusion, they often feel weak. And when they feel weak, they are self-absorbed, as evidenced by defensiveness, blame and a refusal to see other perspectives.

How can you lead people through conflict?

As a leader, you can help people gain a sense of strength by recognizing and pointing out the choices they have. This empowerment naturally leads to people becoming more open and understanding. When people feel empowered and are able to recognize other perspectives, not only will they solve problems on their own, they’ll strengthen their platform for enhanced future interactions.

Next week, we’ll take a look more closely at the four things you can do to empower people (and yourself!) in times of conflict. Thanks for reading!

Conflict – The Cleansing Agent of Relationships

If there were to be one leadership skill that should be required, it is how to engage in conflict. But most of us avoid it like the plague, and rather than face it, we run away, talk to everyone else but the person involved, bury it, or when the going gets tough, blow up at the next person who walks into the office. What is so difficult about dealing with conflict, anyway?

When we ask our clients, may say that they are afraid to hurt the other. But when they really get truthful, they admit to not having the skills, and the perceived risk of engaging in conflict is greater than the benefit. Taking the questions even further, we found that the cost of not engaging in conflict is significant. Here are a few examples:
Creating redundant systems
Developing blanket policies (For example, it is easier to create a dress policy than to address one employee’s poor wardrobe choices)
Avoiding the real issues at staff meetings which generates the reputation of useless meetings
Losing key employees

Many would also say that conflict is not ‘safe’. This is usually true if it is brought forth without skill. Yelling, passive aggression, and sulking are not effective techniques for conflict.

Conflict is the clean burning fuel that keeps relationships honest, healthy, and robust. It takes courage, but the benefit outweighs the cost – if you want to resolve the issue rather than bury the other. Why not give it a try? Here is a simple framework for a conflict conversation:

1. Identify the problem
2. Describe why it is a problem
3. Inquire about the other's perspective
4. Discuss options
5. Decide what to do
6. Commit to future conversations

If you want to learn more, consider engaging one of the Blue Mesa Group coaches. They all have real-life experience with conflict, and can help you find your way.

Hold That Thought: Leadership Wisdom and The Art of Communication

The right conversation at the wrong time is the wrong conversation.

-- Rafael Echeverria

Have you ever been in a conversation, wishing you had never started it? Maybe you can see you're not being effective, so you you keep talking, trying to backfill the hole you're digging. Maybe you're trying to find the right trigger to move the conversation forward, or maybe you weren't as prepared for the conversation as you thought. Maybe you just put your foot in your mouth. At some point in the conversation, you can feeling things shift from bad... to worse. You find yourself knee deep in trouble and you can't undo what you've begun.

So much for getting what you want.

The next time you have something important to say, put the listener first. Get into her shoes, and determine if now is the right time to have your conversation.

• Observe and interpret the listener's non-verbal communication. According to a study by UCLA, up to 93% of communication is nonverbal (eye contact, body language, gestures, posture, rate of breathing, rate of speech, tone of voice, etc.).
• Evaluate the listener's mood. Moods are temporary states of mind -- both positive and negative. There's no sense in having an important conversation if the listener isn't in a position to receive your message, give grounded feedback or make rational decisions.
• Look at the big picture. Is it necessary to have your conversation right now? Consider what the listener already has on her plate, at this moment and in the days ahead. Can you time your conversation with a winning announcement or another type of success?
• Evaluate your intention. Ask yourself, who benefits from what you are going to say, and why? This can help you to stay strategic, focused and clear.
  

In competitive cultures and as high achievers, it's our nature to take the bull by the horns. But, when you're ready to have "the right conversation," make sure you have "the right timing." While timing isn't everything, it's an important factor and will help you get the best possible results.

The Soft Stuff is the Hard Stuff

As a crusty former operations leader, I hated the soft stuff of leadership. I was good at the hard stuff. Managing numbers, ensuring employee safety, and installing pipe and wire – all of the things that make a business hum. But engaging in conversations, building relationships, giving performance feedback all seemed superfluous. Furthermore, I found that attending people skills classes was particularly annoying when I had “important” things to do. Of course, after getting swiftly kicked by my wise manager, I began to pay attention to the soft stuff, and I learned a few things.

If you look at the essence of the soft stuff, it is about trust, care, and building relationships for the sake of being human and being effective. All we really do as leaders is have conversations – all day long. And the quality of those conversations has a direct impact on our organizations: from customer service, associate satisfaction, self-satisfaction, personal performance, all the way down to the bottom line. Just think about how and why we have re-do’s. Usually it is because of a communication breakdown. Re-do’s are very expensive, and often demoralizing. That’s not so soft.

The soft stuff is the hard stuff. To skillfully tell someone they are not doing their job well, to face conflict head on, or to give bad news requires connection and care. That’s why being good at the soft stuff is one of the most difficult requirements of any leader.

Most of us inherently want to be liked – even if we have a big title or position. To engage in a difficult conversation puts that need to be liked at risk. No wonder we shy away from it. No wonder we name it soft stuff as a way to discount its importance.

So, to be a great leader asks us to risk not being liked for the sake of truth, trustworthiness, and organizational success. To be a great leader, we remember that we are human beings who thrive on connection, meaning, and community. It is the hardest thing we do – and the most satisfying.